When I was younger, I had a harshness about me.

I wasn’t unkind (although sometimes, I probably was), but prided myself on being tough. Forward. Abrasive.

I saw it as being someone who took no shit. Who was unafraid. Self-assured.

I was wearing a mask. A heavy one. A protective one.

In reality, my harshness was the bubble wrap around a terribly insecure person.

What’s interesting is as I started to heal and grow, I became more secure. 

Confident, even. Self-loving.

And the more secure I became, the softer I became. Gentler. Warmer.

Softness was no longer threatening or scary. It no longer meant I was armorless or would be bulldozed over. It meant I could exist with vulnerability and openness, and could also gently set protective boundaries for myself when needed.

If you met me now, you may not understand this version of myself that I’m describing. Sometimes, I can’t relate to her—or more so, I don’t want to. I push her away, reject her. And that’s what happens many times for us.

We carry shame around the people we’ve been.

So instead of learning from them and integrating them into our lives, they haunt us.

But they are not ghosts.

They are pieces of our story. And if we can start to approach them with compassion, curiosity, and understanding (or if we can even start to approach them at all instead of pretending they don’t exist), instead of shame and judgment, we can release the tension we feel between our past selves and our current selves.

It’s all us.

All of these versions of ourselves. And there will be more. The idea is to give ourselves grace to be people who make mistakes, who don’t always know better until we do, who act harshly because we are unhealed, who do their best to navigate the world without always having all the tools.

Forgiveness and compassion are processes. But as we start to approach them, when we are ready, things shift. And the more loving we can be with ourselves, the more loving we can be elsewhere, too.

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This post is not medical advice or therapy. It’s for informational purposes only. Always consult your own healthcare professional about your particular situation or before implementing any tips on the internet.